i didnt dare touch it again ever since the other week. then i ask myself, what are you scared of? didn't want to hurt myself again? or was it that i felt it was contaminated? or did i not even want to see it anymore? i dont even know... oh well... whatever the truth may be hiding within... all i know is that sometimes its really hard to just turn a blind eye. its so hard to not care about so many things. what does he not understand? exams are getting close. mum's pressuring me as usual about my life... i hate being stuck under this roof. but im not ready to move out with him. i need more time. especially since that other week. all my effort i had put into learning to accept and trust him again just all went to waste it seems. and now, im just very cautious about everything. i dont want to be. it makes me feel like i dont believe anything he says, and always having to check and need evidence to make sure hes not lying. im NOT happy about it, its nothing really to be proud of or to speak of. i tried to put the past behind me but it doesnt just happen magically like that. its so hard. even just like today, he was on the phone with me all the way back home... i really shouldve appreciated that, but i didn't ... instead.. i started getting all paranoid and started overanalysing and thinking about why he had time to call me and stay on the phone with me, when usually... he wouldnt call me till 45 mins later and then he'd say 'oh im sorry, i had to serve people before' or something along those lines.... today, it was dead silent? was i suppose to believe that? its not even a public holiday or anything... why do i feel hes still hiding lots of things from me?

life is so unfair, i never lied to my bfs, and nor do i ever lie to him... i try my best to be a gf, i stay within my limits, i dont nag him to let me go out with friends or to go to friend's parties or anything of that sort at all... what did i ever do to deserve having them lie to me? all i want is someone to truly love me and to make me laugh and make me happy, im not asking for him to be super great looking, or rich or smart or anything... i want is that true love and loyalty.... is it that much that im asking for? do those guys exist anymore?

Categories: 2008 [t]

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