i try to help him where i can... but today, he said he wanted someone to help him out so its not as tiring for himself. what was that suppose to mean? that i was of no help? hey i may not be very familiar with that industry, but dude i tell you i do heaps compared to what i'd normally do at home all in one go. what more can one expect of me? ive never washed so much dishes in my life, ive never seen such dirty water in my life, ive never seen such greasy containers and water in my life. i whinge and cringe when i see it all, but i still do it all in the end.

i sacrifice my own sleep time, getting up and out in the cold to go early to see him and help him out in the morning, but somehow i felt it was very unappreciated... it was such a gloomy wet morning, i was cold, and rather sleepy... yet i still went and did some shoppig for utensils and toiletries. all i got in return was a large sum of money put into my wallet. it didnt make me happy at all, not one bit. as a matter of fact, it upset me... it wasnt what i wanted in return. i wanted something more sentimental. something that meant something to me. all i really wanted was time to talk. i try so hard to talk to him even. its so hard to talk to him now. he's always so busy he pays 1% attention to me. a lot of the times when i talk, hes not even listening, i'll be saying one thing and the next thing he says is something totally irrelevent or hes asking me if the knife blade was sharp enough while i was telling him something totally different.

i feel like im talking to myself... i may as well go talk to the wall, might get more out of that even. the only time he ever pays attention to what i say is if im saying some shit about a guy at school or something... well, i suppose at least he cares about that.

someone tell me what i can do. its driving me nuts. im so tired from uni, when i go there to help him, i really do wish he'd talk to me or somehow show that he cares. i always end up crying to myself. the other day, i just couldnt hold it in anymre, i felt like scrap, like a piece of rag thrown around anywhere and just picked up and used when im needed... i bursted into tears on the spot, i tried so hard to distract myself and hold the tears in, but i couldnt help it. my tears wouldnt obey me. sometimes i even try to just push all my own issues aside and think of other stuff, happy, or try to make jokes with him and stuff, just to surpress all my own problems till i get home. i know hes tired and all, and i dont even know what to do about it. im so useless.. i just whinge about my own problems, but i dont even acknowledge hes under pressure too.

i wish someone was here to tell me what to do.

Categories: 2008 [t]

who is this guy?!
» Zanzibar on 2008-04-16 07:58:59

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